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I’d like to preface this piece by stating that I am not a medical professional. This is based on my personal experience alone and will differ for everyone. You should always seek guidance from your doctor or GP before making changes to your medication.
I had the discussion with my doctor over the phone.
I told her I’d started feeling exactly how I had done before she prescribed me antidepressants almost a year ago, and was wondering if I needed to up the dose or come off them entirely. She agreed that either could work and so the decision was mine to make.
Having had counselling since January, my reasoning was that the fluoxetine I had come to depend on had served its purpose. Now was the time I see how I fare without the aid of an SSRI.
I was to reduce my dosage to one capsule every other day for two weeks; I didn’t notice many changes in this time, my mood remained the same as it had when I was on one a day. Then after this, I was to reduce down to two capsules a week for another two weeks.
This is where things went awry. I managed to lose track of the day I had last taken one and inadvertently found myself going longer without, akin to going cold turkey.
Cue depressive episode.
My mood swings were a cross between wanting to cave someone’s head in and crying in as melodramatic fashion I could muster the strength for. I could find things funny but only to a point. And once I stopped laughing, which would be abrupt, I’d sink back down into my pit of misery. To top it all off my skin decided that I hadn’t had an eczema flare up for a while and could do with one on my entire face, neck and scalp. There’s nothing quite like looking terrible when you feel terrible.
I would say that my sleep was affected but having had insomnia for years being sleepy during the day and going through the toss-turn routine at night was something I am an old hand at.
Advice to anyone thinking about the doing the same: set an alarm on your phone for when you should next take one. This can work when your dose goes down to less than every other day, or even if you are bad at remembering to take the medication daily. DO NOT go cold turkey.
For me, coming off them symbolises a turning point in my life and, in some ways, an end of an era, just as my going on them wound up marking the demise of a three year relationship.
My ex-boyfriend kept saying things which, I felt, was him judging my decision to go on them and he made a point of stating multiple times he was against their use. I was left crying in bed, crying in the shower, crying in secret and crying openingly, which I rarely do, in front of my parents.
Of course, a few of these tears would have been exacerbated by the initial side effects that occur when you first start taking antidepressants, as my doctor had warned me about. But when you are going through that as well as the initial reasons for being put on medication, you do not need someone, especially someone who claims to love you and want the best for you, making you feel awful on top.
I’d be damned if I were to let his words slide and wouldn’t drop the subject. I wanted him to acknowledge that the language he used when we spoke about it came off judgemental and apologise for making me feel like a failure for having to ‘resort’ to medication.
But he couldn’t admit to his behaviour let alone apologise, and tried to justify that his words weren’t judgemental but his opinion and ones of concern, despite me repeatingly and explicitly telling him otherwise.
And so, he turned to his only option which was to break up with me via text message a week before my birthday.
And here lies a lesson. If you know someone going on antidepressants, or they have been on them for a while and you are only just finding out about it, your personal opinion on the matter is irrelevant to the decision someone else makes about themselves and their mental health. So please, watch the language you use when they talk about it. If you are told you are coming across judgemental, humbly accept it and apologise without making excuses. Those of us on antidepressants are still rational human beings, likely more so than before we first went on them, and will be grateful for the apology.
Seeking help is not a sign of weakness, and “resorting” to medication should never be seen as shameful. Sometimes, many times, it’s the push a person needs, particularly if it’s the push away from the metaphorical ledge upon which they are teetering.
And, not everyone has a tangible reason for depression and anxiety. Sometimes it is just present and an antidepressant medication is deemed the most effective option.
I am not ashamed to admit that, if necessary, I will go back on them again. No one should be. As long as you do what suits you and what you are comfortable with doing, whatever is necessary for you to feel better about yourself and your life is absolutely and unequivocally acceptable.
In doing whatever you decide, tell everyone proudly, or tell no one at all (except maybe a few strangers on the internet). It is no one else’s business except yours and your doctor, GP or other medical professionals you have dealings with.
I am at a point in my withdrawal where things are starting to look clearer and more hopeful. There’s still a little way to go but I’m almost out the other side. It’s a question of shedding a few more inexplicable tears and resisting the urge to kill someone for a little while longer. I just hope my family can still stand me once it has passed.
Resources
Information on antidepressants and withdrawal symptoms can be found at the Royal College of Psychiatrists.
Further information and support can be found at the mental health charity Mind. More specifically you can find advice on coming off medication here and, if you’d like to, donations can be made here.
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